The Bitter Gift

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1
LIVING ANEW
Come, Holy Spirit,
Transform our tension
Into holy relaxation.
I’ve recently been to a „survival training”. Until
now, I wouldn’t have even crossed a fence or swung
off a carpet hanger, I had been too afraid of falling.
What, then, pushed me towards overcoming so much
harder obstacles? I don’t know. Maybe it was the urge
to prove to myself that I can overcome everything,
not only my illness, but every other obstacle life may
throw at me.
I have, therefore, balanced over terrifying ravines.
I have climbed up vertical mountain slopes and slid
down from them on ropes. It was wonderful! My sou-
venirs from this adventure are the photos which I look
at often, especially in times when I predict approach-
ing times of doubt or weakness.
One of these photos is an illustration of everything
I would like to show you. A friend of mine took it
while I, full of life, was crossing an enormous ravine
on a tight rope. Down below, a small church could be
seen. At that moment I had hoped that my illness can
be overcome like a gap between the mountains. And in 10
my life, this little church has started to play an increas-
ingly important role.
At some stage, after I recovered from the initial
shock of understanding that I was an MS sufferer, I de-
cided to use the rest of my life to the fullest. I have been
doing just that. I live in a way that leaves me no time to
ponder over my illness. One can even say I’ve become
a workaholic, understanding it as a form of therapy
which yields positive results.
It is because of multiple sclerosis that I have discov-
ered the inexhaustible layers of energy I possess. The
more I use, the more God would provide me with.
When I let myself stay in bed, my condition would
worsen - I would push myself deeper into illness. In
such times I would analyse every bout of numbness,
every kind of pain, to weave dark visions which would
then, unavoidably, become true. Since I’ve changed this
attitude and started trying to live a relatively normal
life, quietly accepting steroids and other medications
as my allies, undergoing acupuncture treatments, I’ve
been returning to health at an amazing pace.
One of the symptoms of my MS is the worsening of
my eyesight; therefore, at times when I cannot see too
well ...